ive been avoiding blogging cuz i noe then i hav to face up to my fears n truth abt my whole life nw. ive been trying to handle some issues recently.. im trying so hard to put on a brave front n numb all my feelings. i realli wish i was a vampire. tt way i can nv feel n hide my emotions so well frm others. on day 1 of (i shall call it...) "the explosion", i caved in telling my bros n kerry. n obviously the bf was the veri 1st to hear me wailing over the fone. feeling so helpless hes the onli one i can talk to but he will nv underst wat is gg through.. wat I am gg through cuz his life is totally opp to mine. as depressed as i was.. i hanged on as long as i could. when i was out in public.. i teared occasionally even when i was listening to 'perfect nightmare' by shontelle. k normally this song would make me laugh hysterically cuz i will always think abt the veri 1st time when i heard this song, bf broke into this random crazy dance which made me laugh so hard! for once.. no "happy song" could cheer me up. n when i told my bros abt it... n they came over to hug me.. i jus balled my eyes out. i was at freakin starbucks damit! so we decided to take a drive to marina barrage n screw studying for tt day since we were all upset. we landed up at haji for dinz n shisha n realli talking abt it. i felt pain again. this time was harder since thr was onli 1 person tt came into my head the whole time n onli 1 aim.. hw to protect the ones i love? i struggled wif my emotions n pain for many days. even up to nw it still hurts. idk hw i can withstand all this already. cuz every moment bring around tt perosn irks me.. repulses me.
all along i must say im blessed. im always surrounded by people who love, care n protect me. im pampered at home n even when im out wif frens. im always the baby of the bunch. n being so used to it i often take it for granted. but thr was always part of me tt wished deep down i had a different life... different environment. i was always jealous of others. but yet i noe thr will be others who are jealous of me. cuz i grew up always getting wat i want. i will whine n cry to my parents till i get wat i want. yea call me spoiled but this was hw my parents showed me hw much they love me. jus today i received my iPhone 4 n 2k plus to re-do my whole rm. n jus last wk i mentioned to my dad tt i want the iPhone 4 n i got it today. yes im blessed... materialistically. but wat abt r/s wise? its always been a question mark for me. cuz im always jealous of others.
im battling wif all sorts of emotions nw. it hurts me so much when i noe so much but yet i can onli sit here writing my emotions n feelings wifout having any ability to protect the ones i love. i feel weak n useless. for once in my life i dun wanna be protected but i wanna do my part to protect others.
my bf, furball son n sister has been my pillar of support through this whole "explosion". sometimes i bet my bf thinks im bipolar. cuz i can be so happy when im wif him but once he hugs me.. i jus grab him so tight n cry on his shoulders until hes drenched in my tears. then to make me feel better.. he will do a crazy dance or tiger pounce n i will laugh. he realli noes hw to pamper n comfort me.
but u noe i jus feel its so unfair. i hav enough on my plate already n yet all this must happen. like it my whole life jus destined to deal wif crap n get all upset n affected by everything tt i lose all focus n direction in my life? when something falls apart in my life.. i get flustered, get frequent anxiety attacks, lose my concentration n motivation. so u tell me hw am i suppose to be focusing on my skool work?! im jus a kid who turned legal n i should be onli worrying abt skool work, assignments n exams. nt all these other crap! u noe hw suffocating n stressful all this feels?! i go to bed crying almost every nite. i wake up wif puffy eyes n a pale face. i look so shag.. im losing appetite.
i need strength to move on wif my own life. i need comfort. i need remedies to make me feel better. i need to learn to get numb n used to all this. i need to stop crying. i need to stop hurting. i need to learn tolerance n nt explode. i need to find ways to protect those i love. i need to stop feeling so suffocated by all this.
i cant do this anymore. i wanna quit this life.
the love of my life keeps me sane. cuz when im upset, he will do a crazy "angry" dance (he likes to call it crumping) n shake his butt like thrs no tmr n then i will join in wif him n dance all the pain away. i love you so much baby! thxs for standing by me through all the hard times.
