i wish i had a button to off all the misery and pain im feeling
i realli feel like im living in hell. i realli dunno how i make it through my everyday. studying, exams, weight n body issues, teenage angst, personal pains... i dunno how to deal with everything thrown at me now. i used to be such an optimistic person. but jus this yr ive been receiving blows after blows, its jus too much for me to handle. ive become a sad miserable person. i jus wanna scream and cry rite nw at this moment. i wanna get drunk n forget everything. my life has become shitty n mundane. waking up everyday is such a painful and tedious thing to do. sometimes i wish i can sleep n wake up only when I feel like it. nt wake up n deal wif everything.

im hoping all this is my pms. but i noe it isnt cuz its too early for me to be feeling like this. i dunno hw to cheer myself up. retail therapy? i dun even hav the mood n ability to drag myself out of the hse n battling wif the sun. im rite nw at starbucks n u noe it took me so much effort jus to change n get my ass out of the hse. i realli dunno hw i do all this.

my mood is jus like the weather. unpredictable. im tired.. i jus wanna be in my mum's embrace. yea but shes so many countries away. tears are welling up in my eyes rite nw. im tt miserable. i feel suffocated n lost.. aggitated n annoyed. i cant smile.. i cant function.. i cant even concentrate on watever im studying. i feel soul less. its like my soul has left me when i sleep n its yet to find its way back to my body. im an empty carcus.

i wanna get drunk n party my life away. can i jus do tt for 1 whole week? maybe i shall. when 28th sept ends.. im gonna be partying or chilling wif drinks wif people tt make me happy. n when my bday comes.. im gonna do the same: party n get drunk. tts wat i need to do rite nw!

but i realli am thankful for my boyfren who has been supporting me no mater wat i do. hes always encouraging me when i feel shit abt myself. when my self-esteem is low to the roots in the ground. when i feel fat he always tells me im pretty n loves me unconditionally for who i am. when i wanna get drunk he lets me but watches me n makes sure hes there. when i feel like giving up he pushes me n picks me up. when i cry he jus listens quietly over the fone or if hes beside me.. hugs me so tight n jus let me cry. its becuz of him i dun give up entirely on my life. its becuz of him n the dog tt keep me sane in this shitty ass world. i would hav died a long time ago if i hav nv found him. so thank u my baby.. n i love u

realli cant fking wait for exams to be over! trust me u will see me back at my home (zirca) every wk! i need tt kind of liberation after so long of being trapped in this lil bubble.

HEY! we got a NEW DOG!!! (:
we decided to trade in our crazy dog for a more well behaved one! k im kidding!! lol everyone has been asking me whether we got a new dog! LOL but no.. mochi jus had a new hair cut!! we honestly couldnt recognise him when we picked him up! but he jus ran out n ritw into our arms so we confirmed tt "YEP tts OUR crazy boy!!"

sean even think his hair cut made him more "sane"? cuz his scruffy look gave him some kind of crazy personality but nw tt hes cleanly shaved down.. hes more calm which suits his cut? idk man

before
after...will post up pics frm yesterday's crazy karaoke day wif my bros! it was EPIC FUN!! crazy screaming n jumping on couches! FUN SHITTZZZ

oh n my bf is the sweetest everrrrrr. aiyo cannot stand him n his sweetness!! sometimes i feel im gonna die frm diabetes cuz of him! HAHAH! k BYE criminal minds nw!!

i really love my bestest boyfren in the world(((:

boyfren has been the bestest!! (well he always is) nw tt he has the car.. hes been picking me up from skool, sending me to meet my bros to study then leaving to go home n rest then come back to pick me up again when im done! (: oh n even drove me to go get my shoes! realli appreciate him driving up n down jus for me. nw ive become so dependent on his car to send me around. BAD BAD BAD cuz next wk his rents comes back home which means no more frequent use of the car!! :( well it was good while it lasted(: n hes been hanging around my bros n i getting to noe them n they all simply ADORE him as much as i do(:

i love so much baby! n i realli cannot thank u enough!

OMG i NEED to post a pic of mochi boy soon!! HES MAD CUTE wif his new hair cut!! basically nw u can realli tell hes a schnauzer! LOL

so yest we dropped our babyboy down for his grooming. bf drove me to dover n get my shoes then HV for crystal jade xlb which was OMG ORGASMIC! waayyyy nicer then dtf i swear! paps was rite! then walked around HV which was like memories for me cuz me n mumsie always went there last time n gosh the shops which are like nearly 10plus yrs old were still there!! went to get babyboy n we got a shock wif his hair cut!! totally couldnt recognise him at all but luckily he could recognise us! if nt we would hav thot we picked up the wrong dog!!! went back to bf's n lazed around, he played W.O.W while i finished my stupid spss report then dropped babyboy back to my hse cuz my sis wanted to see him. then we went to watch 'cats n dogs: revenge of kitty galore'. it was MAD CUTE! then home we went((:

k shall post a pic of babyboy soon! BYE

i fking HATE SPSS!!!

GAAHHH stupid stats assignment n SPSS is a BITCH! but thank goodness for my steph dear to help me! anyways... im soooo bored so im blogging!

its quite sad hw i havnt been gg out to take pics. me n mr yang hav been lazy potatoes. jus staying at home n watching tv. no we dun pig out THAT much but nw wif the car, we can get around but we are jus so lazy. plus its study break already n i realli MUST study! skool has drained my social life n its killing ALL OF US! bf has been busy n tired wif work so our outings hav been minimised! yea so no clubbing either n its been 3 mths!!? OMG longest hiatus eveeeerrrrr!

this was taken on 13th aug at zouk for justin's nus biz pageant
n 14th aug when me n bf went to watch 'the last airbender'. i must say it was quite good even though i diss the cartoon all the time! tmr is gonna be a day out like FINALLY!! yea but jus to send our furball son to grooming. (he smells like pee btw!) n to collect my shoes!!! WHOOO =D

k shall concenrate on my criminal minds! BYE!

LONG POST AHEAD!! (to make up for the 2wks i havnt blogged)

boyfren jus reminded me hw long i havnt blogged. n im guessing no one reads my blog anymore due to my disappearance. but mehhh i blog when i feel like it! n if ur "lucky" to chance upon this space.. i may hav updated!

its 1 day after the 1st of sept but... HAPPY 8th baby!! (: bf has a fish craze so he bought an aquarium n i got him 4 fishes for his 8th mth prezzie! n i noe hw much he loves his prezzie! we had a nice chill day at home at nite after baby finished work. i went to the hosp n then studied at macs at yishun then he picked me up(: be4 we got out of the car he said "ur 8th mth prezzie is on the way." this boy always noes hw to spring surprises on me! I LOVE U! had pasta for dinz n decided to be tv addicts (yea our FAV past time together) n watch our new fav channel 'food network asia'!! yepperss we ARE food crazy people!! but yet we are people wif small appetites!! so its dam sad hw we both cant go for buffets or steamboat cuz for me i def dun eat worth the buffet or watever is cost!

*k some pics taken jus then when we were bumming at my place!*

on the good side my monsterous eating hav plunged n ive lost weight again!! (: am almost to my ideal weight but yet everyone is saying "stop losing weight u bitch!" haa

on the bad side.. if uve followed my twitter i did go through some pitfalls on monday due to my grades. i nv felt so down abt my grades till i cried! i always made fun of girls who cried during pri n sec skool. but hello this is UNI!! my future depends on this $40 000 dam paper!!! so i broke down. but realli cannot thank my bf, mum n bros tt encouraged me the whole of monday! my bros took me out to eat my cravings for the day: oreo, cookie spinz n fried rice n they ate my leftovers! LOL n they acknowledged hw much help ive been to them if nt they wouldnt hav scored. realli MAD LOVE my BROS (: then wif bf n mum's constant support.. im alot better! wats better than being surrounded by people who love u n pick u up when u feel like crap!!? (:

so exams are coming soon.. n i freaking cant wait for it to be over!! so many plans after!! WHOOOO

plan 1: visit mummy in shanghai (yea i noe i vowed on my life i will nv step into a cheena country but for i love my mummy!) then fly back home. celebrate my bday in sg at ZIRCA n PLAY! then fly off to perth wif bf n darren! then back home to celebrate bf's bday!

plan 2: if mummy comes home, shanghai n perth trip cancelled. but ZIRCA n PLAY plan is a def! then maybe a bkk trip wif bf n darren!! (: then back home to celebrate bf's bday!

yesss people i CANT wait to turn 18 n go to PLAY on my bday which happens to fall on a sat nite this yr n its GAY NITE at PLAY!! im gg on a hunt to find a gay bestfren!! WAH DAM STOKED PLSSS!

k i jus took 2 spoons of cough syrup n my drowsy flu med to make me sleep. im loopy n groggy nw n my monster furball son cant wait for me to sleep cuz hes like KO-ed on the marble floor.

shall end wif a crazy CLASSIC face of mine! tt furball of mine was literally chomping on my hand while bf took this pic!

ps.. i LOVE this drowsy groggy feeling! HAAAA

n i LOVE u SEAN YANG!!!

long wkend = no work done!!!!

so hw was ur long wkend??? mine was AWWWEEESSOOMMEE! since i did nth except fuss over my furball monster!

friday
-i realli cant rmb wth i did on fri arvo!!
(k i jus checked my twitter! gotta LOVE twitter seriously!!)
-i slept the whole of my friday!! realli needed my sleep
-then at nite bf drove over n drove my sis n i to do some grocerry shopping cuz we wanted to bake!
-baked choc chip n granola cookies for sat's gathering

saturday
-my sis, nic n i took the 2 dogs trax n mochi for grooming!!!
-wasted alot of our time at HV while waiting for the dogs to be done
-chilled at wala wala wif beers n bf came down to join us(:
-went to pick the monsters up n mochi made some frens today!!!
-then they dropped us at karan's
-mochi made frens wif ella!! (karan's goldy) then kerry baby came!
-havnt had such nice chill out chit chat sessions in a while!!! esp nw tt we dun meet each other so often
-HV for dinz n mochi was such a cougar magnet i sweaarrr!! everyone wanted to carry him n oogled all over him!
-came home n i crashed my ass
it was a gd sat cuz my babyboy finally made some frens!!!! OMG

sunday was jus spent studying since i felt guilty for nt doing anythinggg!

monday HAPPY BDAY SINGAPORE!!!

went for ndp to watch the bf march!! wah i swear it was my proudest moment evvveerrr as a gf!! i was crazy tweeting if u follow me!! LOL he was part of the colour party n he was carrying a white flag!! the ONLI one carrying the white flag so go watch the encore n look out for him k!!!! (:

k tts all i did... realli quite fun((: finaly managed to chill n relax wifout stupid skool! so hw did yall spend ur ndp hols? (:

im 17 n still a minor so im entitled to act like a 5yr old crying for her mummy


(wordy post dedicated to my mummy)

psych mid term over.. nw to rush out my lab report which is due in 7 days n ive jus complteted writting my abstract n mug like mad for forensic mid term next tues! im gonna get my dam Distinction i tell u! cuz i can kiss my psych D goodbye thxs to the stupid lecturers! pfffttt n doing my research for my dam lab report is frustrating cuz my net is mad slow n the fking journal articles on my skool webbie is DAMMMM BIG FOLDERS!

(mother's day last yr in perth. where i made pancakes for breaky for mummy n baked caupcakes too!)

if uve been reading my twitter these few nites u would noe hw big of a cry baby i am n mummy's girl i am. yeppers mumsie has left for shanghai this morn. these last few nites hav been rough. it all started on tues nite when mummy suddenly came into my room while i was studying for psych n burst into tears n came to hug me saying she would miss me alot when shes away. it then hit me so hard tt this is the 1st time my mummy is gonna be away frm me! like all my 17 yrs we've nv been apart, she came to be wif me in perth!! i guess our perth stay together brought us ALOT closer. like it was onli both of us in the hse. i loved tv times wif her esp during winter! i would be sitting rite next to the heater in my betty boob purple flannel pjs n we would be snacking away like craaazzzyyyy cuz of the weather n watching tv together. no we dun talk much while we watch tv but its the company tt counts nt the communication. along the 2yrs plus yes we got into a few tussles. i guess we had no one to argue wif except each other so it sparked a few arguements n all. me being head strong nv give in. looking back i apologised to mummy n she said its wat daughters do. which i couldnt agree more. us kids are jus out to make lives like hell for our parents/do them proud. i guess nw i hav the balance of both.

so the last few nites were baddd. waking up wif puffy eyes n i resort to puting ice pack on my eyes jus to bring the puffiness down. at 1ish am i snuggled rite next to my mummy wif tears falling at occasional times n in her embrace watch tv together for the last few hrs be4 we had a 2hr sleep then woke up n headed to the airport at 6am. watching mummy together wif my uncle n his fam walk through the departure gates were tough. me being the baby in the fam n the closest to my mummy made me vulnerable in such situations. i hav MAJOR separation issues n i would jus wail for hrs. yea no joke! i held back every tear tt was wanting to burst through my eye sockets while i watched my mummy's back turn against me.

initially when mum told us abt her plan to shanghai i immediately thot of 1 word 'freedom'. but as the days drew nearer it made me realise hw much im so dependent on my mum n hw close we were. esp when i was younger being pushed in n out of operating theatres n wif my mum always by my side n staying at the hospital wif me. hw can i ever bear to let her go for my temporary joy of freedom. sigghh...the saying "if u love someone let them go" is jus totally BS i tell u! but wat comforted me the most abt her departure was tt she trusts me n my sis tt we would be fine on our own wif lil supervision. n tt she has entrusted my life wif sean. she trusts tt he would take care, guide, support n be there for me while shes away. wat can be greater than my mummy trusting my boyfren. also becuz he is older, more mature n has goals in life n she noes tt whenever im wif him i will be safe n she doesnt hav to worry.

so to my mummy... i love u so much. take care n im always here for n wif u even though we are far apart.

depression aside... me n bf celebrated our 7th mth together on sunday wif a sushi party at my place!!! (: yea me n my sis woke up early to make sushis for the boyss. tsskkk the things we do for our boyfrens! yepperss its been 7 great mths!! all the support n comfort we've given each other over the mths cannot be explained. esp recently wif my struggle wif skool, seperation issues frm my mummy n all.. sean has been there wif me comforting me n finding ways to cheer me up wif his stupid high pitchy psychotic laughs! hopefully he gets the car tonite so he can drive me to the dam library n borrow books on my stupid fked up lab report. pfffttt... realli cant wait for sat though!! reunion wif the zirca fam like FINAALLLLYYY!! n we're bringing our dogs!! WHOOOO =D ive missed my babies for too long!! busy wif skool, a levels, exams, travelling, bic races, army n wat nt! pffttt...

am off to nap n hopefully wake up to find bf in my hse! heh x)